Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
