The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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