We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
