she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
