I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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