why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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