In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
