Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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