the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
