Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
