girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
