I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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