screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
