that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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