All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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