anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Randomize
