you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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