a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He better not be in your backpack
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
