My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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