oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
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