Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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