so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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