I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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