So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
