I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
