I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
