Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
