Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Just pee around me
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
