There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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