just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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