i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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