Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
