grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
