next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
third nipple confirmed
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
