I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
