I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
