Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We talked him into tasing himself.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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