It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
