I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
