The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
