Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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