I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
