It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
