I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
