I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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