If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
