i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
