I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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