i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
