im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
