Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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